Thursday, June 10, 2010

The War Against Shitty Realtors: Comly Street Edition

Sometimes I can't help but admire how resourceful people of the Northeast are when it comes to unabashed, hateful acts of vengeance. For how dumb most of the schemes that go on here are that mostly result in embarassment and failure, sometimes these folk are straight up evil geniuses. My mother, C. A. Maguire happens to be a savant when it comes to these eye-for-an-eye type situations.

Let me preface this story for you first. My stepfather is a trucker. He has all kinds of weirdo stickers on his tool chest, like a depiction of an eagle dropping a swastika over the wrench drawer. He has a handle bar mustache, and used to be a road hog back in the day. Anyway, when he is off the road, he parks this 18-wheeler monster in a shared driveway, which is currently shared with a house up for sale, as the old bat next door who yelled at me for making chalk art in the backyard finally fucking croaked.

Granted, the realtor who is in charge of marketing the place is a real fucking dick. He scams the poor and stupid all the time, so I'm not arguing with my mom when it comes to this one. I have a little sister who is at the age that she will soon be BLOSSOMING into a young lady, and if he sold it to some predatory scumfuck I would probably set arson to the place; so I get it.

Anyway, the dude reported the truck being parked to the PPA sometime yesterday, and they came out at 11:45 PM to leave the ticket. To my family, who are people of a certain disposition, this basically means all out war. At first, some mild deterrents were implemented; namely some grafitti and hanging a rebel flag in our side window. But now that he has set out his first line of offense, retaliation is in order.

So my mom tries to flood their basement, but the dumb hose is bent or the water line sucks or something so that doesn't work. So what does she decide to retaliate with? PANCAKE SYRUP.
She broke their basement window and poured pancake syrup all around the window and let it drip inside to the floor. Within like two days, that basement is going to be chock full of cockroaches, waterbugs, and those evil little thousand-legger guys. I don't even think I have any other comments about this awesome act of belligerence, except that this some kid-era Macaulay Culkin shit and that my mom is pure fucking vengeful genius. Jesus Christ I hope I inherited that trait whenever I need to exact revenge on some dumb idiot in the future.

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