Thursday, June 3, 2010

Shants: Short Pants That Look Fucking Ridiculous

Since the name of this blog is SHANTS, I intend on a running a recurring theme which will require taking photos of whatever candid shant encounters I have. However, as not to isolate the uneducated viewer, I will explain the specifics conditions and guidelines that govern an authentic shants experience. While shants can be sighted amid many different subcultures, we will be focusing on shant usage in the context of Northeast Philadelphia Caucasian Jackass.

To the right is a depiction of a typical pair of shants one would wear to say, a date to the food court at Franklin Mills Mall. In this example, the subtle lift in the length of the shant exposes just enough leg to flatter the typically tiny ankles of men in the Northeast; even the rotund variety. Notice that shants in Northeast Philadelphia tend to only expose the ankle and about 1/6 of the lower calf. This is a case of the "long shant"; this nearly-pants occurrence is often utilized in a typical Northeast Philadelphia mating ritual. Often the male, in peacock fashion, will impress the female with his refined choice of footwear. Depending on the tastes of the individual, the shoe choice generally ranges between the shittiest, smelliest pair of white or black Reebok Classics and more pricey options, like a limited pair of Air Force IIs (not always authentic if purchased on the avenue) or perhaps a pair of classic Timberland boots with the attached "tree" tag still intact. In most cases, the female will be inclined to give in to a sloppy Xanax-driven titty-fuck when the male flaunts a higher end choice of footwear; a prime example of Northeast natural selection.

Another condition that defines the Northeast Philadelphia Shant is the medium wash on the jean and tendency to be more saturated in color. This property distinguishes the NEast shant from the South Philly Shant which carries a darker rinse, or the Muslim Shant which may vary between very light denim washes and completely non-jean materials.

Lastly, there needs to be intention in the choice of the shant itself; after all, shants in Northeast Philadelphia are employed by conscious decisions, representative of status among the common neighborhood hierarchy. High-water sweat pants adorning Frankford Terminal bums and schizophrenics are not an instances that constitute a pair of shants; nor does the usage of slightly high dress pants by Irish WWII babies attending a local Catholic Mass. The awareness factor, defiance against the laws of size and taste and the intention in place when one wears a pair of baggy-just-barely-too-short-pants are only two character traits that validate the fact that people from Northeast Philadelphia are simply nearly fucking retarded.

1 comment:

  1. EDITOR'S NOTE: Improper spelling of recurring. I am a Northeast savage after all.

    -Flanagan

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